Heart: Brain come look at this!
Brain: Heart, I’m currently occupied.
Heart: COME ON! Just look.
Brain: What am I supposed to be looking at?
Heart: That girl ahead of us in line for coffee. Isn’t she pretty?
Brain: I guess she has features that are appealing to the senses of sight.
Heart: I wonder what she smells like. Do you think she wants kids? I bet our wedding vows would be really heartfelt.
Brain: Heart, please don’t make him sniff her hair. That is against all forms of social norms. Plus the likelihood that we marry her or have offspring with her is very low.
Heart: Yeah but we could get to know her. We just have to get him to make the first move.
Brain. Right. So let’s go start up a conversation with her.
Heart: WHAT? No!! We can’t do that. We need some kind of edge. A pick-up line. We need something clever.
Brain: Well don’t look at me. I’m still trying to figure out if the large coffee or the medium coffee is better based on cost per fluid ounce.
Heart: Come on Brain! Don’t you know any pick-up lines.
Brain: I wonder what the origin of the phrase pick-up line. We should look it up on our smartphone.
Heart: BRAIN!
Brain: Right. Pick-up lines. Pick-up lines. I haven’t stored any in recent memory. We don’t use them. We don’t really communicate with members of the opposite sex that much. Actually we don’t communicate with members of our own sex that much.
Heart: Brain, you’re not helping.
Brain: I think we should go for the medium coffee. Every time we drink large amounts of coffee, we always have to void our bladder on our way to work.
Heart: I’m glad we solved that one. OH NO! She’s ordering coffee. We’re running out of time!
Brain: Oh wait! I remember that one time we watched that romantic comedy with our mother at age 7. I believe the male protagonist ordered the same thing as the female love interest so they would both go for the order at the same time. Thus giving them something to converse over.
Heart: That’s brilliant, Brain!
Brain: Of course it is.
Heart: I think she ordered a large, Vanilla Bean Frappuccino.
Brain: We don’t like frappuccinos. We like our coffee black.
Heart: Brain! We have to order the same thing as her, remember?
Brain: When I don’t get my daily intake of caffeine, me and him both become irritable. We like our routine to be the same.
Heart: We have to order the same thing!
Brain: Fine.
Cashier Guy: “Uuuuuuuh…. are you ready to order?”
Heart/Him: “One large, Vanilla Bean Frappuccino.”
Cashier Guy:”That will be $4.50″
Brain: Definitely not worth the amount. Large coffee is only $2.00
Heart: An extra few bucks to get a chance to meet the girl of our dreams.
Brain: Are you done with me yet? I want to look up the origins of other common phrases.
Heart: I just thought of something.
Brain: That’s my job.
Heart: What are we going to do after we both reach for the same drink? What are we going to talk about?
Brain: Well we know she likes pay too much for bad coffee. Maybe start with that. And then we can transition into all those facts we learned about how cocoa beans are harvested in almost slavery-like conditions.
Heart: Brain, we don’t like those things! We like to eat chocolate and drink coffee without thinking about slavery. Chocolate makes us happy.
Brain: Learning facts makes me happy.
Announcer Lady: “One large Vanilla Bean Frappuccino!”
Heart: She’s going for it! Now’s our chance.
Her: “Oh, I think that might be mine.”
Him: “Oh, sorry! I ordered the same thing.”
Her: “Yeah small world.”
Heart: She just walked away! We connected on a significant level! We were going to live in a house on the coast where our three kids could run up and down the beach together!
Brain: Did you know that in Medieval England, giving the cold shoulder was actually a nice gesture? “After a feast, the host would let his guests know it was time to leave by giving them a cold piece of meat from the shoulder of beef, mutton, or pork.”
Heart: I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN!
Brain: Come on, let’s get our gross drink and head to work.I wonder if anyone is still thinking about that one dumb thing we said yesterday.
Allen The Writer 