Numb

Sitting here with just my thoughts.
My breathing.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.

Not wanting to do or be.
Just a wallflower.
Clinging.
Clinging to life.
Clinging to anything.

Feeling numb.
Not feeling.
Just stuck in the background screaming.
Silent.

No motivation.
No ambition.
No way out.
No feeling in my fingers or toes.
Numb from my head to my toes.

Do you want to do something?
Do I?
Do I want to watch, to run, to sing and to dance?
Do I want to engage with the world?

Or do I want to stay numb?
Unfeeling.
Unmoving.
Feeling so much pressure to do.
To be active.
To stand up and scream into the world.
To be known.

But really I’m trapped in the numbness.
Trying to bite my tongue and clench my jaw.
All the while I’m screaming.
Begging for help.

But maybe I want to suffer.
To feel the pain.
Pain makes me feel anything.
It makes me human.
It connects me with others.
It makes me feel like I’m not alone.

Header Photo Credit to Purrfect Love and their article abut Cigarette Smoke
https://purrfectlove.net/there-is-more-to-fear-than-cigarette-smoke/